I’m really good friends with this guy I’ve known since we were 10. We met through our tennis club and played on the team together for years. I moved away for university, and we rarely see each other, though we talk on social media all the time.
Recently, he was away on a church mission and didn’t have access to his phone. He asked his girlfriend to check his social media accounts every so often and respond to people to let them know he was away. I didn’t know that and was messaging him incessantly about an issue I was having with my ex-boyfriend.
This guy’s girlfriend misunderstood and thought I was trying to get together with him! She freaked out, unbeknownst to me, and told him he had to block me on all social media. I didn’t know what was going on until about a week later when he texted me and told me everything. He’s not mad at me and doesn’t want our friendship to change, but I’m so upset!
How do I deal with this?
Blocked
Slow down! As you said yourself, it was all a misunderstanding. Your friendship is intact, though not on social media for the time being. That’s OK. It’s the IRL friendship that really matters. Remember that.
The girlfriend is the one with the problem, as she’s obviously insecure in their relationship and now jealous of you. Calming her down is his job, not yours, and he did the right thing by showing her that your social media friendship doesn’t mean more to him than his relationship with her.
When he gets back from the mission ask him if he thinks she’d be willing to go out, the three of you (or a fourth, whatever) so she can see for herself that your relationship is just a friendship. If she’s willing, great. If not, respect her need for separation and maintain your friendship with him through text, or phone calls while you’re apart.
Don’t build it up into something bigger than it is. It will all blow over. Don’t worry.
When I was younger, I was badly bullied in middle school. I was freckled and gangly, with wild, unbrushed hair compared to the other girls who were stylish, coiffed and even wore makeup. I was the outlier.
My son is entering high school and he has yet to hit puberty. He’s tiny, baby-faced and still into Roblox and Lego. I’m worried he’s going to get bullied the way I did because he’s not like the other kids his age.
How can I help him navigate these tumultuous years?
Bullied and scarred
I’m sorry you were bullied, and more so that it scarred you. A lot depends on the school, and on your son’s cohort. If he’s at a large school, he may find several if not many, boys still at his level. Grade 9 really highlights the vast array of stages in adolescence, as you can have one boy sporting facial hair and full muscle definition while his classmate hasn’t hit five feet and his voice is still choirboy high.
Be watchful but not overbearing. The plus is you know what signs to look for and can catch them early. He may need your protection, but he also needs room to grow and breathe, so don’t stifle that. Also, remember not to judge. That same boy with pimples and an upper lip shadow may also still be into Roblox. His brain may not have caught up with his hormones just yet.
Let your son make friendships with whomsoever he pleases and just keep an eye on him.
You’re doing great, Mom!
FEEDBACK Regarding the retiree (Jan. 28):
Reader: “My wise husband has often maintained that retirement takes practice. The letter writer has been retired for 18 months, and from the sound of things has had a lovely self-indulgent 18 months. But as retirees of more than 20 years, I would suggest he now find a purpose that will make his life feel worthwhile. Our society depends on volunteers to survive. If he is interested in the arts, he could volunteer at an art gallery or with a theatre group. If he likes kids, he could volunteer at a school. Hospitals have volunteer auxiliaries. If he loves nature, he could volunteer with the Nature Conservancy or World Wildlife fund. The opportunities are endless. There are few things that lift one out of a funk as successfully as feeling that you are contributing to something.”
Lisi: Agreed!
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