Until very recently, menopause was shrouded in mystery, the purview of cringeworthy “Cathy” cartoons and ugly birthday cards poking fun at hot flashes and murderous irritability.
Perimenopause, the often years-long, symptom-filled lead-up to the last period, was an afterthought—if it was a thought at all. But the past few years have brought, at last, increased visibility to this momentous stage of life.
Until recently, menopause and perimenopause were shrouded in stigma and silence. Here, six pc28women get candid about their symptoms and experiences, from sex drive to weight gain.
Of course, the best way to demystify something is to really listen to what it’s like.
Here, six Torontonians told us about their experiences with what used to be called “the change.”
Amanda VanDenBrock, 48, psychotherapist
Psychotherapist Amanda VanDenBrock.
Angelyn Francis/pc28StarThe first symptom that freaked me out was…
“A hot flash! I was 44 and I had just sat down to research schools, hoping to acquire a master’s degree to become a sex therapist. When it happened, my mind started to race: I was too young! I thought I had six more years! I felt as though my sexuality was about to start disappearing and I was now in a race against the clock to enjoy it while I could.”
The most challenging part of it has been…
“The not knowing. There is so much that is unknown about how the symptoms work and what the function is behind them. Most of all, though, it was this sense that a version of me was dying: I feared the vital and vibrant me I was finally getting to know was going to disappear.”
The embarrassing symptoms I wish people had warned me about include…
“Yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis becoming regular occurrences. This can be very embarrassing with partners if you have to curtail sexual activity, or if they alert you to the possibility of something needing to be addressed. Additionally, ADHD symptoms were turned up to 11. I could not mask any longer; it got very difficult to stay organized and keep up with life. I was officially diagnosed with ADHD at 48.”
Menopause changed my relationship with my body because…
“I will admit that a lot of my initial anxiety when I started to have hot flashes was a deep fear of my body changing. My feminist self hates that this was such a big concern for me. Would I still be sexy? I was also pretty fresh into living my life more authentically as a pansexual polyamorous person, meaning my body might interact with more bodies. Would those bodies accept my changing body? It was very scary. Therapy has helped a lot in this realm, reminding myself of what my body is capable of through weight lifting, cycling, and dancing, which help a lot. Plus, having supportive partners helps a great deal.”
Tracy Moore, 49, Citytv television host
TV host Tracy Moore.
Kelsey Wilson/pc28StarThe most challenging part of perimenopause is…
“I was always the one who could think through a challenging moment and not lose my cool. In perimenopause I’ve become spontaneously irritable. It’s difficult because it’s now challenging my perception of self. This isn’t who I am. I feel a responsibility to shield my husband and kids from my dark moods but raising teens while perimenopausal is a fool’s errand. Who’s responsible for this absurd timing?”
The embarrassing symptoms I wish people had warned me about include…
“The little trickle of pee that leaks out of me every time I get through the front door. But I don’t find that or any of my symptoms to actually be embarrassing; it’s something I joke about. I do find I’ve had to weather a lot of hate for the changes in my body. As a public-facing personality, I feel some viewers have taken almost an ownership over my appearance. When my body gets bigger or smaller, they want answers and they want them now. That’s been interesting and sometimes a little heartbreaking.”
I wish everyone knew that…
“It’s fine. You’re fine. We’re all going to be fine. Talk about it ad nauseam. Bring it up at work, to your partner, to your uncle, the mail carrier, your kids. I want a world where my daughter can walk around with a tampon behind her ear like a pen. I want her to be unbothered about her blood flow and it’s up to us to lead the way.”
The biggest misconception about perimenopause is…
“That it’s somehow new. Because the health industry hasn’t historically been open about discussing menopause, there’s an inflammatory undertone to the conversation. We’re either being yelled at to stockpile estrogen or being told our bones are about to snap or being warned about suicidal ideation. These are all things to look out for, but I can’t wait until we can take a breath and start treating this stage of life as something tantamount to puberty. I can’t wait until the sirens and alarms stop ringing and we can calmly follow an established protocol to get us through and keep us thriving.”
Rose Finlay, 35, author and speaker
Author and speaker Rose Finlay.
Kelsey Wilson/pc28StarSomething I wish everyone knew about perimenopause is…
“I wish all women in their mid-30s understood that changes to their libido and monthly cycle can be symptoms of perimenopause. Yes, it is common, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be ‘normal’ and with supplementation and hormone replacement therapy, these symptoms can be greatly reduced.”
The most challenging part of perimenopause is…
“It has affected my job performance. Before perimenopause, the beginning of my cycle was already a little more challenging given my disability; now it has made that period of difficulty every month longer. And adjusting to the hormone replacement therapy schedule was challenging to implement because I’m supposed to start on day 12. I usually feel good around day 12 so I’m not thinking about doing it. Calendar reminders are a godsend!”
I wish I’d been warned about…
“The lack of libido. It’s been both a blessing and a curse as a single woman who typically has a high sex drive! It’s helpful to not have to think about finding creative ways to get my needs met, but missing that part of my life was really difficult and depressing.”
Perimenopause changed my relationship with my body because…
“It has been a great reminder to give myself and my body more grace and acceptance. It’s also served as a good reminder that there’s much of life that’s out of my control. Being a woman who lives with a disability, it’s always astounding to me when disabled people are left out of these types of conversations. Sexual health and disability can often be an uncomfortable conversation for people. But that just highlights an entire community of people who are under served and largely unaware of any resources that do exist.”
Leila DeCiantis, 74, retired
Retiree Leila DeCiantis and her dog, Habiba.
Kelsey Wilson/pc28StarThe most challenging part of the early days was…
“Not knowing about it from my mother. Without a reference point, I didn’t know quite what to expect. I was sitting with a friend at lunch and all of sudden her glasses fogged up and she turned beet-red. Unfortunately, I started laughing so hard, then she shouted at me in her Scottish accent, saying, ‘Wait till you get it!’ That is when I found out about hot flashes.”
The symptom that that freaked me out was…
“Loss of period. It started at the age of 52: I wouldn’t have a period for a couple of months and then it would appear again. This lasted almost a year. Annoying. Also getting hot at night; my poor cat never knew when she was going to get kicked off the bed.”
Menopause changed my relationship with my mental health because…
“I had a sense of irritation that was out of character. In one case, I was paying for an item and I could sense myself getting irritable, so I left the item and credit card and walked out of the store, more irritated with myself than anything. This lasted about three minutes, then I walked back and apologized to the cashier as she seemed bewildered by my behaviour. I explained that I may be going through menopause. She smiled knowingly. After that I learned how the irritation starts and would excuse myself from any situation for a few minutes. This lasted 10 years, on and off.”
The biggest misconception about menopause is…
“That everyone experiences menopause the same way. I don’t believe that to be true, as we are all individuals — every person experiences it in different intensity and symptoms. It is part of life and everyone goes through it in their own way.”
Nadine Araksi, 50, writer
Writer Nadine Araksi.
Kelsey Wilson/pc28StarThe most challenging part of the early days was…
“Feeling like my body was betraying me. I’d just started to figure out who I was in my 40s after a divorce, had this whole queen bed to myself. I’ve always been a little bit of an insomniac or a revenge bedtime procrastinator. But once I’m asleep, I’m a good sleeper. Suddenly, I would wake up dripping wet with sweat and needing to pee several times a night.”
The biggest misconception about perimenopause is…
“That the whole experience is called menopause. Recently, I’ve come to learn that menopause is one day of your life: The day that it’s been one year since you’ve had a period. Everything leading up to that is the hard part. Learning more about perimenopause, which can last around 10 years, is important because I’m realizing a lot of people suffered in silence. I think of my mother’s generation and how we made fun of her, always fiddling with the temperature. How we joked about her being crazy. And now that I’m in it, I realize how much she was struggling without anyone taking her seriously.”
Perimenopause changed my relationship with my body because…
“I eat a healthy Mediterranean diet. I had ED as a teen and did a lot of work to build a healthy relationship with food. But the pounds are piling on. A new pair of pants in a bigger size begets another new bigger pair of pants months later. And I could be fine with that if the weight gain didn’t come with this feeling of heaviness, of being too exhausted to move more. So I’ve decided to look at myself like a not-too-outdated physical thing, like a car. I’m not the latest model, but if I take care of her in the condition she’s in, she’ll keep running for a while yet.”
Samantha Montpetit-Huynh, 53, personal trainer and health coach, organizer of the event High Heels and Hot Flashes
Personal trainer Samantha Monpetit-Huynh.
Kelsey Wilson/pc28StarThe symptom I wish people had warned me about include…
“My histamine response went through the roof! Massive sneezing attacks for no reason; bug bites turned into giant hives. And the ears—they get so itchy and clogged. It’s bad.”
Menopause changed my relationship with my body because…
“The weight gain surprised me. I am a personal trainer and if there’s one thing that I had control of, it was the way my body looked. Not anymore. Most women will notice the most body composition changes up to five years before they hit menopause so it’s an important conversation to have and to prepare for, so they can avoid the toxic diet culture industry that preys on the vulnerability of menopausal women.”
The treatment that has helped me the most is…
“HRT, baby! I sleep better, which is so important because without sleep, nothing works well, whether it’s your brain or your body.”
The biggest misconception about perimenopause and menopause is…
“That menopause only happens once you are 50. Some women start perimenopause in their thirties. It’s not a ‘condition’ of old age and aging is not bad, either. It is a blessing. You don’t have to be afraid. You can be a badass during this stage—and feel stronger and better than before.”
To join the conversation set a first and last name in your user profile.
Sign in or register for free to join the Conversation